“Captain.”

“Counselor.”

Juliet sat across from him, a PADD in hand.  They'd ordered food and drink from the replicator while he'd gone through the sonic shower and slipped on some slacks and a collared shirt.  She gave him a nod, “What does it feel like right now?”

He grimaced, “I never liked Julian.  But I still loved him.  He was still family.  He was still a Harris.”  Ambrose took a sip of his tea, “You spend your entire life talking about how terrible he was…and then this happens.  He dies on my watch.”  A shake of the head, “I never expected it to end like this.”

“You cannot blame yourself, Captain.”  She made a few notes, “There are no winners or losers in a no-win scenario.”

“Sure doesn't feel that way.”  He took a few bites of his waffles and relished the taste of a hot breakfast.  “That chair is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.”  A sigh.  “Breaking the news to the family is going to be…a hell of a thing.”

Juliet made a few more notes, “Do you want to sit in the chair again?”

He swallowed the bacon and chased it down with the Earl Grey.  “That's a heavy question.”  She didn't respond as she kept her eyes on his.  “I don't know.  When I was assigned the Erigone, I wasn't sure I wanted to be in command.  That maybe I'd go back to being a Chief Engineer.  As time went on, I found myself more and more drawn to the command track.  With the Edinburgh and now the Mackenzie…it just seems like this is where I'm supposed to be.”

She took a swig of her coffee, “And the pain?”

Ambrose scoffed, “Doesn't go away no matter what I do.  The losses on the Eddie…and the losses here… hurt like hell. Like a knife is playing hockey in my heart.”  He sighed, “I suppose that's the job - the wins come with victories and joy, and the losses come with defeat and pain.”

“You don't have to like the hard stuff.”  She finished off her yogurt and waited for his thoughts.

He didn't need long to think about it, “I don't like it.  I hate it.  I guess that's why I fight so hard to find a compromise on our missions.  I don't want to have to experience those things….I avoid them as much as possible.”

She waited a moment before she ventured, “You're not alone in that struggle Captain Harris.” He frowned at her, and she allowed a thin smile, “Everyone who sits in that chair…or any chair onboard a starship has to do battle with those feelings and worries every time they come on shift.  Will today be the day they have to make the unthinkable choice?  Or will someone else be on duty when the hard stuff comes for them?”  She allowed, “You don't have that option.  Not many people get to sit in your chair, Captain.  There's a great honor in that…a sacred duty.  It is also, as you say…the hardest job on the ship.”

Ambrose listened to each word.  It was real.  He hadn't thought about the rest of the bridge crew…or even the rest of the crew.  The weight of the uniform that they wore still held weight no matter the posting or position. There was responsibility and duty that came with the badge and rank pips.  He wondered aloud, “I do have to accept it, don't I?”  He explained, “The hard stuff.  I can hate it and find ways around it…but I can't ignore it or wait for it to disappear.”

“That's sometimes the hardest part for us.  Accepting the hard stuff we cannot change and must live with…that it will always be a part of our job.”

He opined, “Or our life.”

Juliet remembered something, “There's an old earth film I enjoy watching from time to time…it has a quote I've carried with me since the Academy.  ‘Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something’.  It's from a fantasy film about a princess and a dread pirate keen to save her from a forced marriage."

“How do we deal with our pain?”  He asked honestly, needing to find a way to grapple with the emptiness that gaped from a hole in his heart, the threads of the muscle frayed and unraveling.

“We work through it.  With time, with conversations like this…the sharp pain of grief will give way to the dull pain of memory…and those will stay with us forever.”  She refilled her coffee and returned to the couch, “There are steps in the process.  I can help you understand them…I can help you be ready for them…and I can help guide how you respond to them.  You'll need all of us to get through this, Captain.  Nobody goes on the journey alone.”

He raised his mug of tea to her and took a long sip.  He nodded after a moment, “I was reminded recently that I shouldn't try to do this alone.  Let's start with the first step.”