Three weeks at Rencaris had suited Thawn better than she’d expected.

The work with Talarin’s technical team had been exacting in ways she’d appreciated, in ways which rewarded precision and focus and left her too tired in the evenings to think about much else. She’d been grateful for that, because conversations she didn’t want kept threatening to fill any free time she didn’t have.

Carraway found her within the first week, which was only surprising in that he hadn’t come to her sooner. He was good enough at his job that him crossing her path in a corridor near Main Engineering didn’t feel like an ambush, even though it definitely was one.

‘Commander.’ He’d fallen into step beside her like they would normally stop for casual conversation. They would not. ‘How are you finding the new ship?’

‘She’s operating very smoothly,’ Thawn said, knowing this was not an answer to any question he was asking. It had worked to kill any avenue of further inquiry, but it meant he’d still found her a few days later, in the Waypoint, with a coffee she hadn’t asked for that made it hard for her to push him away. She’d let him ask questions about the Ripples, which meant going over old ground, and discussed her preparation with the Directorate and the ensuing work-life balance, and then excused herself before it became anything else.

He hadn’t tried a third time, which she appreciated.

It was possible, however, that he’d sent Cortez.

Cortez’s intervention should have been obvious, in retrospect. SCE work kept them collaborating regularly, to the point Thawn could almost feel the glass case around where work as Endeavour’s engineer ended and work as the squadron’s engineer began. And for much of the three weeks, it had been simply that – Cortez’s seniority, in experience as well as rank and scope of her duties, giving support and guidance in a complex, technical, diplomatic project.

But the tone when, on day nineteen, Cortez had slid into the chair across from her in the Annex, had been different.

‘So I’ve been chill about this,’ said Cortez, cutting straight to the chase in a way Thawn respected even if she knew she wasn’t going to enjoy what came after. ‘Given you time and space. And then I remembered you’re Rosara Thawn and there’s a lot you’ll do before you communicate one single feeling.’

Thawn blinked at her over her latte. ‘Good morning to you, too, Commander.’

‘Yeah, yeah, don’t act like I’m confusing you.’ Cortez stuck her elbows on the table. ‘We should talk.’

‘Should we?’

‘Or, really, you should talk.’

‘Should I?’

Cortez made a small noise of frustration. ‘Thawn. You know I get it, right? You know that if there’s anyone aboard who gets it, it’s me. Not just ‘cos I was there in engineering when you made the call, but I was, and – you were right, you know?’

‘I know I was right,’ said Thawn calmly.

‘But because I stood in the engine room of an Endeavour once, too, and did everything I could to save a ship, and then that one got towed home and mothballed,’ Cortez carried on, like she’d not talked. ‘And everyone worries about change, except they’re all super appeased by – by quarters with multiple rooms and five kinds of cafés and a promenade.’

‘My quarters have multiple floors,’ mused Thawn, and sipped her latte.

‘But it’s not that simple, and I get it.’

Trying to look like she didn’t resent the conversation, Thawn put her mug down. ‘You get what, Commander?’

At last, Cortez paused like she was finally catching up with how this conversation had been going. ‘You’re a Chief Engineer and you just lost a ship.’

‘I did. The inquiry has cleared me of all blame.’

‘And the inquiry cleared me of all blame, but it’s not that simple. Even more so when… hell, Thawn, you made the call back at Boreth! We had options, and I’m not saying you were wrong, but you made the call which burnt out the deflector.’

‘That sounds a little like you’re saying I was wrong.’

‘No, I mean… I’m not trying to relitigate it. It was your call, your right to do it, and it paid off.’

‘It did pay off.’ Thawn gave a soft exhale. ‘It paid off, and it meant we stabilised the time crystals, which meant the Loom withdrew. Which saved countless existences, possibly even our entire reality, and possibly even stopped the time crystals from destabilising the multiverse. Again.’

Cortez studied her with a slightly bemused expression. ‘You don’t regret it.’

‘We thought we’d have more time to prepare. We did not. We did the best job we could, and with minimal casualties.’ Thawn sipped her latte again. ‘No, Commander. I don’t regret it.’

‘Not even a – we lost the ship.’

‘And, again, saved the multiverse.’ A deep sigh. ‘Everyone keeps looking at me like I decided to amputate my own limb. I sacrificed metal and circuitry, Cortez. Not flesh and blood.’

In the silence that stretched out between them, the hubbub of the Annex crept in. A knot of science officers at the far end broke into an outburst as their debate on methodology hit a fever pitch. Behind the bar, the coffee machine hissed steam.

‘You were Chief Engineer for nearly two years,’ Cortez said, like she felt the words childish but couldn’t stifle them. ‘She was your ship.’

‘And now this is my ship.’ Thawn gave a frustrated exhale. ‘I’m sorry, Cortez – perhaps this doesn’t make me a “real engineer” because I’m not holding a wake for a starship, but I… I don’t regret my choice. I think about it because I think about me, my responsibility, my choices. Because it was significant. Because Starfleet don’t give engineers new ships if they throw their old ones away recklessly, and that would be bad for my career.’

Cortez’s eyes narrowed. ‘Is this a Betazoid thing? Do you guys just not anthropomorphise things as much because they don’t have brains?’

‘I don’t know if it’s cultural. But that’s a very good reason to not treat metal and circuitry like a person, isn’t it. Or maybe I’m just killjoy Rosara Thawn -’

‘I didn’t say that.’

‘You were thinking it. Or something worse. Soulless?’

Cortez made a face. ‘Wow, okay, so you don’t have regrets or guilt, but you sure are defensive –’

‘Because you do think I’m less of a real engineer for it,’ said Thawn, a little sharply. ‘And you’ve always thought I wasn’t one of you.’

‘When have I ever said anything to suggest that?’

‘You would have picked Forrester before me; you’ve always thought I was a bureaucrat, not a “guts and instinct” engineer -’

‘Hey, hold on now!’ Cortez raised her hands. ‘Set phasers to “stun” already, girl. I was checking in on you.’

‘And judging, because I didn’t react the way you expected me to.’

‘I’m surprised you didn’t react the way I expected you to!’ Cortez pushed her own coffee back, brow furrowed. ‘The judgement? That’s come from you. I’m not gonna be forced to own that.’ Thawn twisted her lips, fighting with words, before Cortez pressed on. ‘I’ve known a lot of engineers in my career. With a lot of schools of thought, from a lot of paths. Almost none of them think like you. But you know what? Almost none of them think like me, or like the engineer right next to them. If you’ve got impostor syndrome about whether you’re a real engineer…’

‘That’s not what’s going on,’ said Thawn, and tasted only half the truth on her tongue.

‘I saw you in the engine room while the mission dangled by a thread and the ship hung in the balance and you didn’t blink,’ said Cortez, leaning forward. ‘Would my plan have worked? Maybe. Or I’d have saved the ship and not the mission. What matters is that it was your choice, and you pulled it off.’

‘I don’t need a pep-talk,’ Thawn said, sharper than she meant.

‘Then I don’t know what the hell you need, Thawn. Because if it’s judgement, you’re not getting it. If it’s support, you got it – but seems you don’t want it. So just…’ Cortez stood, frustration twisting on her face. ‘It’s a lonely club. Masters of the ship. Karana will think it’s her, and Rourke will think it’s him, but it’s you. Not even Forrester, not even me. But I get it. And if you ever want to talk about it, or get advice, or a pep-talk, or just… whatever. I’m here. But I ain’t gonna feed the voice that says you’re not a “real engineer.”’

‘That’s not it,’ Thawn said quickly, eyes closing. ‘It’s not – it’s not about you, Cortez. I appreciate the offer.’

When she opened her eyes, Cortez was nodding, though the frustration and hurt hadn’t dissipated. ‘Alright. I’ll let you get back to planning the next Directorate meeting. But – you know where to find me.’

She left. And Thawn stared at the remains of her latte, and wondered to herself if she would ever stop feeling guilty for having emotions the people around her didn’t expect.