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Part of USS Mackenzie: Mission 12: Measure by Measure

MBM 010 – The Feelings

USS Mackenzie
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“I don’t usually want to kill someone, Juliet.”  Ensign Carolyn Crawford lay on the couch in Juliet Woodward’s counseling office, staring at the ceiling. “But…I really want to kill her.”

Woodward sat in her chair, making notes on her PADD. They had been meeting every day since the incident that had brought her alternate to the front of their attention. The room was warm, and the lights dimmed as her patient ruminated on the possibility of homicide. “Well, your feelings are valid. She has threatened to kill you and your father several times over. In pretty explicit detail.”

Carolyn continued after a beat, “I’ve read about people who discover what their line is…, that line where murder just seems so out of character for them….to where they would have no compunction about ending the life of someone.”  She sat up, “It’s not a sociopathic thing…it’s the righteous indignation at the wrongs perpetrated…that the offense is so gross and malicious…that the act cries out for justice.” Juliet asked for more.   Crawford went on, “In the academy, one of the cadets told a story about how when he went home for the summer on the colony where his family lived, he found out his brother-in-law was assaulting his wife, the guy’s sister. He tried talking to his sister about it, but she made excuses. One night, it got so bad colony security and medical staff were called to the house.”  She shook her head as the emotions drifted up from her stomach. “He’d hurt her pretty badly. He said when he finally got to see his sister, he felt this…deep fire in his stomach begin to burn…and that it spread throughout his entire body.   He had to walk a few laps around the outside of the hospital to figure out what he was feeling.”

Woodard filled in the blank, “He wanted to kill the brother-in-law.”

Crawford nodded slowly. It had been a few years, but the story was still fresh in her mind as the day it had been told.  It still gave her pause, “He told me he knew if he ever saw him again, he was certain he’d throw down with the guy…and not stop.  All he would be thinking about was the injury and trauma his sister suffered.”  She sipped her lukewarm tea, “Thankfully, they put him away for a long time…and his sister got out off the planet and, last I heard, had found her peace with a fresh start.”

Juliet watched Carolyn as she spoke.  There was still a weight around the young engineer’s shoulders.  “What will killing her solve?”

“It’ll stop her.”  She put up her hands in defense, “I know…I know.  An eye for an eye makes the whole universe blind.”  Crawford shrugged after she stared at the end table for a while, “I hate her for what she did to Sadie.  I hate her for what wants to do to my father.  And I hate her for what she wants to do to me.  I can’t…take that off like a hat or a uniform.  I can’t ignore her or try to forget her.”  She looked up and met Juliet’s eyes, “I don’t know if that makes me a risk to have on active duty or not.”

Woodward thought about her question.  “If you were threatening to murder someone on this ship, or in Starfleet, or the Federation, or someone we considered a friend or an ally, I’d throw you into the brig without even a goodbye kiss.  But this is a bloodthirsty, genocidal madwoman who shoots first, second, and third.”  She tapped at her PADD, “I’ll need to visit with the captain, but provisionally, I’m going to clear you for duty with the caveat being a daily appointment with me.  We need to work through coping with the hate you have for her – hate and anger have a nasty habit of affecting more than just the person you want to phaser into nothingness.  Fair?”



“Girls got a lotta hate for such a little body.”  Wren Walton sat on the couch in her Ready Room, reviewing Juliet’s report, “I agree – she’s not trying to snap anybody’s neck on the ship.”  She signed off on the recommendation, “As for when we eventually face Pandora Crawford…are we going to have to lock her up in the brig to keep her away?”

Juliet wasn’t sure, and a confused shrug was her best answer.  She sat down roughly on the opposite side of the couch.  She tightly grasped her cup of green tea, wondering if she’d ever held homicidal tendencies towards anyone.  She returned her attention to Walton, “I think we’re going to have to be ready for her to lose her mind and take a running start at Pandora.  You read the report on Fowler.  Brutality doesn’t even begin to give proper context to what happened.  The history here is messy.”  She tossed her PADD onto the table, “You talked to Peter lately?”

Walton sighed the long sigh of someone unsure what was happening with her relationship.  “I have. He’s deep into something that he’s not comfortable talking about.  He is on assignment with Fourth Fleet, and he’s been able to get some time to visit the Mackenzie.  He’ll be out next week.”  She grimaced, “We were just getting started in a really good place, Juliet…and then I went and asked for something faster and armed.”

Woodward chuckled, “You can’t always get what you want.”

Wren cast an annoyed look, “Why?”

“You’d need to ask the Rolling Stones.”

“You’re going to make me listen to some old Earth music, aren’t you?”

“According to the magazines of the time, The Rolling Stones were always old.”

Walton sighed, “Fine.  Pull up the song.  Let’s get this over with.”

Juliet hit play. 

“I saw her today at the reception, glass of wine in her hand, I knew she would meet her connection, At her feet was her footloose man

No, you can’t always get what you want, You can’t always get what you want, You can’t always get what you want, But if you try sometime you’ll find, You get what you need…”