“I took an oath, and I knew my duty, but in the end, I betrayed it all. I did things no man should do. I acted as judge and jury and executioner. I decided who should live, and who should die. I played god.”

The words of a dead man echoed through the quarters he’d once inhabited, but now, he was gone. Chief Shafir had found him lying face down on the floor, his sidearm by his side. There was no doubt what had happened.

“I cannot claim innocence, nor ignorance. Not in this life, nor in the next. On Earth, I was given a second chance, my captivity recompense for my sins, but even in that baptism of fire ants and molten ore, I could not be saved.”

The medical staff had declared Lieutenant J.G. Jace Morgan dead on arrival. Once they’d ferried his body away, Chief Shafir had called Captain Lewis, and together, the two began to deconstruct what had happened. That was when they came upon his final personal log.

“When I returned to the Serenity, I reverted to that monster I’d become on Nasera. I knew better, but it didn’t stop me. Had just a few more seconds passed before the Bog signal stopped, I would have decided the fate of thousands more. That is a power no man should have, least of all one I should have.”

First on Nasera, and then again over Earth, Lieutenant Morgan had done his duty, but he wasn’t like the others. The young man hadn’t been able to box up his experiences and put them on a shelf. He’d become haunted by what had happened, and none of his colleagues seemed to understand.

“During his deposition, Commander Drake asked: ‘How can you live with yourself after that?’ Truthfully, I can’t. Every time I shut my eyes, I relive that nightmare, over and over, again and again, until there’s nothing left of me.”

The rage began to build in Captain Lewis’ eyes. The JAG investigator had intentionally ripped the scabs off their wounds, over and over, again and again, ever since Nasera, undeterred by what it was doing to the mental state of the team that had been through so much. The ivory tower shark cared for nothing but his investigation, and now a man was dead because of it.

“My captors on Earth, they had it right too. ‘You can make this all stop,’ they said. ‘You can make this all go away.’ They were right. I can, and I will. It is the only way.”

A single phaser shot rang out, and then the recording ended.

Captain Lewis and Chief Shafir stood there in silence. Neither said a word. What could they say? Lieutenant Morgan had not died on the battlefield in a valiant struggle against the enemy. He’d died by his own hand in his quarters aboard the Serenity.

“Delete it,” Captain Lewis ordered once he’d managed to recompose himself. “Delete it all. Make it so it never existed.” There was a darkness and an anger in his tone.

“But Jake, those were his final words…”

“No Ayala, those were not his final words!” Captain Lewis snapped back. “Those were the words of a man who gave up. That was not Lieutenant Morgan. Lieutenant Morgan was a loyal officer who did his duty.” The kid had risked his life to free the people of Nasera, and he’d done the same over Earth on Frontier Day. “He was a hero, and that is the only way he should be remembered. Can you make it go away?”

“Of course,” Chief Shafir nodded. She’d spent much of her breaking into systems without leaving a trace, and as much as it hurt, she knew Captain Lewis was right. Jace Morgan did not deserve to be remembered as someone who gave up.

As the chief got to work, Captain Lewis thought back to his last moments with Lieutenant Morgan. He’d seen the kid just a few hours ago, right before he’d turned the ship for Beta Serpentis. What was it he’d told Lieutenant Morgan then? Pour a stiff one and get some sleep. Fuck, how could he have been so blind? He should have said something more. And then when Morgan didn’t show up at battlestations, he should have sent someone to check on him. Instead, he’d just sort of forgotten about the conversation, wholly focused on the mission. He was always focused on the mission, and now it had cost a man his life.

“It’s done,” Chief Shafir declared as she stepped back from the console. She looked over at Captain Lewis with grief-stricken eyes, and a single tear ran down her cheek. “I… I… I just can’t anymore Jake.” One tear turned to many as Ayala Shafir slid to the floor and began to cry. “I can’t bury any more friends. If I do, pretty soon I’ll have no one left.” 

Captain Lewis just stood there awkwardly. He didn’t know what to say. This was not the sort of thing he was good at. You couldn’t shoot emotions with a phaser.

“We watched them murder Jason,” Shafir sobbed, recalling the town square in Nasera City where Petty Officer Jason Atwood had been executed by the Vorta after being captured by the Jem’Hadar. “We… we stood there and… and we watched. We fucking watched, and we did nothing!” Rationally, she knew there was nothing that they could have done. The mission came first, and they couldn’t blow their cover. That didn’t make it hurt any less though. “And then Nam and Ryssehl blew themselves up with the orbital station, and Kora caught an unlucky shot at the mansion.” That was three more members of their team that fell during the Battle of Nasera, but they weren’t even the ones that hurt the most. “And Brock…” Shafir exhaled, losing all semblance of control as she thought back to that moment in the tunnels beneath the planetary control center. “Brock is on me. I killed him. I should have kept him safe, and instead, I pressed the detonator.” That moment would be forever burned in her mind.

“We did what we had to do for the mission,” Captain Lewis offered as he took a seat next to her. “For our shipmates, for the people of Nasera, and for the Federation itself.” He reached out and set a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

His words didn’t help though, nor did his touch. For as deep as their bond was, the snowball of grief was rolling downhill, all the trauma, all the pain, all the little boxes she’d locked up in the deepest recesses of her mind. “And Fontier Day…” Shafir continued to cry as she thought back to the young officers she’d gunned down when they fell to the Borg signal. So many good officers had died by her hand. “It’s just like ninety-one all over again…”

“You can’t think like that Ayala,” Captain Lewis interrupted, knowing her line of thinking would lead her nowhere good. He remembered finding Ayala Shafir on Freecloud back in the nineties. She’d been a broken mess, working as a hired gun to make ends meet after resigning her commission following a year undercover doing unspeakable things. He’d been down and out himself at the time, having fallen on his sword to preserve the fragile peace of the eighties, and together, they learned to walk again. Together, they rebuilt themselves. “You really can’t.”

“Why not?!” she snapped back at him desperately as her eyes darkened. “I am Sayidat Alfawdaa, Jake. I am the lady of chaos.” The pseudonym she’d used as a hacker in her youth and resuscitated for her time undercover within the consortium, it had new meaning now. “Everyone around me dies! Every fucking one of them! I’m fucking cursed!”

“I get it,” Captain Lewis admitted sincerely as he locked eyes with her. “I really do. Ryssehl was my best friend, and Brock was my protege.” Both were now dead, as were so many that had trusted him and followed him into battle over the last forty years. He’d left a trail of bodies behind him ever since the Dominion War. “But it’s not that we’re cursed. It’s simply that we are willing to do the hard things that need to be done, and that comes with a price. A damn steep price.”

For a moment, the pair just sat there, thinking on those words. Captain Lewis was right, Chief Shafir knew. It was just the way of things.

“You know what really gets me here though?” Chief Shafir offered as she looked over at the spot where she’d found Jace’s body. “Jace had survived all of it. He made it through Nasera, and he made it through Frontier Day, and yet… I don’t fucking get it.”

“I do,” Captain Lewis said as he rose from the floor, conviction coursing through his veins.

Chief Shafir looked over with a confused expression.

“You heard him,” Captain Lewis explained. “You heard what he said. Drake got under his skin and twisted his mind.” The rage was building in his eyes. “After everything Jace went through, that piece of shit pushed him over the edge.” The anger was building in his veins.

“What are you going to do?”

“Drake did what the Jem’Hadar and the Borg could not. Jace’s death is on his hands,” Captain Lewis replied coldly. “And now he will answer for that.” It would not be quick, and it would not be painless. Not if he had anything to say about it.

“I’m coming with you.”

“No, you’re not,” Captain Lewis replied firmly. She looked about to protest, but he didn’t let her get a word in. “You all followed me, and you all trusted me. This is for me to do, and me alone.” Chief Shafir and the others, they were still young. They still had a full life ahead of them. He knew he might pay a steep price for what he was about to do, and they didn’t need to bear it with him. He had to do it though. It was a matter of honor.

“But Jake, they’ll have your hide for it,” Chief Shafir warned desperately. She knew from the look in his eyes he didn’t intend to merely exchange words with Polaris Squadron’s JAG officer. She knew how far her mentor could go. Typically, those in power looked the other way because he took it out on the enemy, but this was a JAG officer they were talking about. Even Jake Lewis wouldn’t be able to wiggle out of that one.

“Then they’ll have my hide,” Captain Lewis shrugged. His mind was made up. His people had sacrificed too much already, and it was well past time to put an end to this whole mess before Commander Drake could do any further harm to his team. “Don’t try and stop me.”

“I won’t,” Chief Shafir nodded with a deep sense of loyalty. She respected what he was about to do. She shared his perspective on the world. “Do what needs to be done. Just try not to get locked up.” She wouldn’t try to stop him, but she just hoped it wouldn’t be the last time she saw the captain as a free man. She’d only come back to Starfleet because of him.

Captain Lewis left without another word.