“Computer start personal log”

The computer chirped in acknowledgement.

“Personal log”

Tallie paused for a minute before continuing

“This used to be my favorite season as it meant so much to me, but through the years I have become hardened to the joys that most people feel at this time. Of course the persona of being an upbeat and jovial person makes people think I cannot feel this way, but that is far from the truth.

I guess this all started when my mom passed away. I began building a wall as bitterness began to grow in my heart. It wasn’t fair and I felt like nothing mattered. As I grew up the bitterness dissipated, but I still hated Christmas cause that’s when mom died.

However I have realized its not the way mom would want me to remember the past, though it’s not the same I can remember the good times before dad became an alcoholic and I was tossed to the side. Mom made Christmas one of the biggest events in our house and did everything to make sure we followed the traditions. We would stay up late decorating the flat with almost every inch covered in something, whether it was tinsel or lights. We would laugh and listen to music while drinking homemade hot chocolate. Mom would make sure I always put the topper on the tree and dad lifted me up to it on his shoulders.

That was just the beginning though mom worked long hours she came home and we would start baking. I can still smell the aromas in the flat. We made everything from sugar cookies to holiday cake rolls. All of it to be given to family and friends, though she always let me sneak one or two while we baked. 

Dad never really helped with baking because as mom put it ‘He could catch water on fire.’ He tried, but usually mom cooked and I helped.

Before dad lost mom he was always so happy at Christmas and loved putting lights up outside, which I tried to help with though I never seemed to do much Dad liked me being with him. He was patient even when I broke a light or unplugged things when he was checking the lights. He was so patient and kind…but that all changed.

Christmas was something I loved, as we would go to so many parties and get togethers. I was always showered with presents which I didn’t mind, but it was just the time I spent with mom and dad that I cherished. Unlike most kids I always wanted to spend time with them and the bond I had with mom was something some only wish to have.

But when mom died near Christmas on a mission, it all went down hill. Dad started drinking and the house just seemed…dark and dreary. The first year I tried to get dad to put up stuff, but he sat in his chair and drank usually throwing something at me. It got to the point where I left him alone. Many hours were spent crying in my room and my heart broke because nothing was the same after mom died…I tried everything, but Dad didn’t care anymore and he lost a will to live.

I got out of that slump, but Christmas has never been the same for me and I have not celebrated it truly in years, but I know mom wouldn’t want that. So I am going to bake some sugar cookies with the recipe and give them to the crew for Christmas because who doesn’t need something to make them smile.

The holidays may never be the same, but that doesn’t mean I can’t honor mom in the best way possible…which is to celebrate Christmas and hold it as close to my heart as she did. Mom you did everything for me and I miss you more each day, but I hope wherever you’re that this puts a smile on your face. I am wearing an ugly sweater just as you bought me every year and yes the santa hat as well.

I love you mom and will always miss the memories of Christmas…and dad even though you changed I still love you deep down and wish I had one more holiday with you like we had always had after mom died.

I know you loved me as you had pictures of me in your hand when you passed and though things were never the same. I hope you and mom are getting ready to have guest like before and the house smells like baking all day. Moms smile and your laugh emanating through the house to bring joy to everyone that enters.

Merry Christmas from your daughter. I miss you and love you no matter of what happened in the past. Today is the day I bring joy back in memory of you both. This is how I will spend Christmas from now on.