Of course, Jason had stayed after the briefing. Because of course he had more to say once the senior staff and the brand-new commanding officer had left the room. Dwasina was already nursing the hazy edges of a headache, and Jason’s relentless pushback against the inevitable string of changes that came along with a new CO was only making it worse.

“Pirates!” His hands had escaped containment once again and were flying around punctuating his words like trained birds. “I can’t believe Starfleet literally wants us to go negotiate with pirates!”

“They are independent merchants, Jason.” Dwasina replied with a dulled edge to her professional tone. “And you heard the Commander.  With the blackouts and reports of Vaadwaur, we need all the allies we can get.”

Jason thrust his chin out. She was arguing semantics. Independent merchants that dealt in contraband and had mercantile ties to the Orion Syndicate were pirates. Jason wasn’t going to gussy up the truth to make this mission sound more palatable.

“Vaadwaur invasion” Ibanez emphasized. “We should be protecting our homelands – one of the Federation colony planets, sticking with the fleet, not flying off into nothingness to ask favors from awful people in the hopes that they’ll help us and not take too much from us in the process.” He finally trapped his hands, folding them across his chest as he leaned heavily against the back wall.

She didn’t agree with him, but she conceded he had a point.

“That’s a valid way to feel, Jason, but our orders are equally valid. We have a duty to contribute to the defense efforts, even if it’s not in a standard fleet formation.” She tried to make her voice sound as even and rational as possible.

He huffed and shook his head. “I’d feel a lot better about it if we were heading out under Mindy’s command. This becomes a potentially dangerous mission with a big unknown sitting in the center chair.”

She sighed, trying to hide the slump of her shoulders. Once again, she could see why he felt that way and believed his feelings were valid, but why did he have to push so hard against a decision that was already made? Or, her more personal frustration, was why Jason always saved the most dramatic and draining of his tirades for her ears?

Worse, he had been on his best behavior for the last two hours. Every time he started to veer off on a tangent in the briefing, Commander Dal politely pushed him back on track. She didn’t know if anyone else on the senior staff noticed; Dal didn’t make a big deal out of the redirections, he simply kept doing them until Jason stopped pushing. But she noticed, and she was impressed.

Captain Jemison had usually kept Jason under control with an excess of compassion and some motherly advice, but occasionally he would verbally take off and start escalating himself until Mindy was required to talk him back down to ground level. Dal wouldn’t even let Jason step one foot out of line.  And it had worked… until everyone else left the briefing and they were alone.

“Look, I’ll do everything I can to make sure this mission goes smoothly.” She started in a placating manner.

“I know you will.” He pushed himself off the wall, moving towards the door and almost settling into silence. He stuttered in his step and then looked at her with one last flare, “I’m just worried about what happens when you’re not on the bridge. We gotta stick together!”

She could sense the indignation and arrogance coming from him. Another one of the senior staff might have believed his bluster, but Dwasina had a decade of counselling training and experience under her belt. She relaxed her mind and let her empathy probe deeper.

She stilled for a moment and then took in a startled breath as the overwhelming emotion washing over her was fear. Wave after wave of fear. She furrowed her brows, not understanding the root of where it came from.

“Jason, I know change is hard…”

“You can say that again.” He interrupted, shaking his head and moving past her. “I should get to my station.”

As he left Dwasina breathed one heavy sigh of relief as the emotional turmoil faded. Sharp emotions blunted and blurred into the background noise of the pulse of the crew.

That wasn’t the cut off she expected, and she didn’t understand why he dismissed her. All she knew was for the moment she was glad the conversation was over.

~*~

Dwasina stopped by her office and found herself intentionally taking the long way around the turbolifts to get to the bridge.  She could lie to herself and say that was preparing evacuation routes in case they got boarded, but almost anyone onboard would laugh at that excuse.

She was avoiding the emotional hornet’s nest on the bridge for as long as possible, sandbagging her empathic defenses and shoring up the walls of her mental fortitude. She would miss the launch itself, but that was a small price to pay for her continuing sanity.

By the time she reached the bridge the Calistoga was underway, the stars streaking past as they carefully maneuvered the known clear flight paths at a modest warp 3. The Calistoga had been stress-tested and Lieutenant Draxen had made sure they could cut power and come to a standstill with minimal damage and no casualties from a warp 3 cruise. It was their comfort zone, what little comfort there was in the blackout.

She believed the Commander was aware of her presence first if she read the perk of his antennae correctly, but Jason looked at her first, and offered a tight, forced smile.

The rest of the bridge crew offered glances. Anxiety ran through the bridge, thick and sludgy as if the air was being replaced by mud. For most of the bridge crew, it was the same anxiety she felt on every new launch – a new mission, out into the unknown, how would they perform? The same only heightened. From Jason it was tinged with something darker. That fear she couldn’t place was edging into anger simmering beneath his tight smile.

Dwasina settled on a far more pleasant expression as she strode forward to check the reports and take her place beside Commander Dal. “Commander, I apologize for missing the launch. Is everything running smoothly?”

He tipped his antennae towards her keeping his eyes on the viewscreen. “Thus far everything and everyone is operating well within acceptable parameters.”

She gave him a side glance, thinking that was a rather Vulcan thing for an Andorian to say. But she took it as things were fine and she might steal a moment of his time. “I’m glad to hear it.” She paused a beat and turned towards him speaking in a discretionary tone. “Would you have time for a word in the Ready Room?”

One antennae perked up and she almost caught his brow arching. He seemed to catch her tone and he offered a slight bob of both antennae as a confirmation. “I do. Let us adjourn.”

As she stood to follow him her mind faltered for a moment. Dwasina considered herself very good with words.  She was a diplomat, she loved talking to people, the loved the playful game of conversations.

But at the moment she couldn’t find the words to ask him – or tell him – what she really wanted to tell him. She was still working through how to start this conversation when she realized they were already at their destination. He had already sat, the doors were already closed and she had moved into her usual spot where she listened to Mindy vent about life, the Starfleet universe and everything all while moving completely on autopilot.

And she still didn’t know what to say. Or more precisely, she knew what she wanted to say, she didn’t know how to say it.

“What is on your mind, Commander Roix?” he asked in that soft almost lisping tone. She decided she could get use to that tone.

“Commander, are you sure you want me to lead the away team?” she queried, matching his formal and polite tone.

Inwardly she kicked herself. That wasn’t really the problem on her mind. It was just the first thing she could think of to say.

He didn’t incline his head at all, but his antennae tilted forward in a nod. “Absolutely sure. Commander Roix, not only are you the ship’s executive officer and primary lead for away teams, but you are also a trained diplomat and the best person available for the job.”

She didn’t argue that and didn’t want to argue that. Maybe she simply needed the hear the confirmation. Still, Jason had her rattled and she worried about the crew. “I know. I only mention it because the crew is …

“Most of them seem confused, which contributes to their anxiety. Could you, perhaps, enlighten me on why?” His question was gently probing.

Dwasina drew in a long, slow breath to steady herself. “The medically enforced retirement of Captain Jemison came as a surprise to them, they’re still processing that, and now they’re processing you.”

Commander Dal steepled his fingers and leaned forward, fixing his blue eyes on her. “A surprise to them, but not a surprise to you?”

Her breath caught in the back of her throat as she looked aware from his piercing stare. “I was aware of her decreased performance ability after radiation exposure, yes. I had hoped she would see the improvement she wanted to see.”

The silence that hung between them was deafening.

Dwasina found herself shifting from foot to foot just to add some sort of sound to distract herself as her telepathy tempted her to reach out and collect thoughts. No. She had to wait.

“Your mission to Anteroo was one year and seven months ago.” He placed the fact calmly on the verbal table between them. “Did you see improvement in that time frame?”

She looked at him again, only to find that he was still staring at her. And for all her empathy, she was having a trouble getting a clear read on him. Her own emotions, even the tides of emotion from the bridge overwhelmed her. He was an island of calm, and whatever lay buried beneath was beyond what she could sense.

Her chest felt tight, and she looked around the ready room, trying to buy time or think of an excuse to leave. And then back to the unwavering stare.

“No.” she finally admitted. “I … kept holding onto hope. But her condition worsened.” She stated with compassion, with love.

But if it was love, why did she feel so guilty now?  Why was her breath so heavy and every conversation about it so hard?

He fixed her with that calm gaze and spoke in clear, punctuated, soft tones. “Commander, should I ever suffer an injury that removes my ability to make clear decisions, and you do not see an improvement in the medically determined timeframe, I expect you will remove me from duty immediately and inform the crew why you have done so with full disclosure, do I make myself clear?”

She wished he would have yelled. Maybe stood up and moved his arms around like Jason did. Anything but sitting there properly, speaking softly, rationally and directly.

“Crystal.” She chocked back, realizing she was holding herself ramrod straight.

“Thank you.” He paused and released her from his gaze. “What else is on your mind?”

Leaving. She was a full-grown adult who now felt like a chastised child, in a conversation that had stayed in the realm of completely professional. The counselor in her wanted to ask herself why she felt so badly about it. Wanted to process how she felt and what was said.

But she had come here for a reason. She forced herself to stay still. “Commander Ibanez, he’s been unusually… animated recently. I’m worried he doesn’t have his head in the game, or at least that he won’t be fully present for the mission.”

Commander Dal nodded, already having seen some of the outbursts the second officer was capable of. “I take it he was also surprised by Captain Jemison’s retirement.”

A loaded statement if there ever was one. Dwasina swallowed drily and nodded. “He was.” She paused and held up a hand to deflect an attack that never came. “But there’s something else. Something I can’t put my finger on.  Fear?”

“Fear is a natural part of facing the unknown.” Spoken like a hazard team leader who gone into more dangerous circumstances than he could count. “But I appreciate the warning.”

“I just hope he doesn’t cause a commotion on the bridge for you.” Dwasina admitted, earnestly, even if she had taken the most roundabout way to get there.

One antenna perked up and then both curled down in a more relaxed position. “Commander Roix, perhaps we reach a reciprocity in regard to Commander Ibanez?  I am aware of his wavering focus, and I will manage him while on the bridge so you can focus on your away team. And in return, when we finish this mission, you will share the truth with him on Captain Jemison’s retirement.”

That would not be a pleasant conversation, and she didn’t like the idea of having it in the slightest. And yet she was drawn in by his steady reassurance that they would see this mission through successfully. “Alright, Commander, you have a deal.”

At least it got her out of that ready room. She really did have an away team to gather.