“This isn’t working.”, said Saffiya as Frisco had joined her by the bar. She emptied her glass (which was promptly refilled, because this was her time off and it was one of those days). “But it’s not you. It’s…. well, it’s not me either. It’s rather that we can’t share three duty posts between the two of us.”

For the past few months, Saffiya had not only done her own work, but partially that of an XO in addition. Which wasn’t because Frisco was lazy or incompetent, but because the woman had to fulfill her XO duties in addition to being Chief Medical Officer.

Sienna sipped at her Shirley Temple, “Khan Noonian Singh, I am not.”  It had become harder and harder for her to balance both positions.  The responsibilities were not complimentary, and the competing nature of her duties in both positions had begun to take its toll on her sleep.  “The marriage has a third warp nacelle that’s getting in the way.”  She pulled out her everpresent PADD, “I’ve been working with Selara – giving her additional responsibilities and duties.  She’s passed every stress test I’ve given her.”

“That is promising.”, the Captain nodded. “Have you tested the waters on that particular promotion yet?”

The doctor tossed back the remains of her drink, “I haven’t brought it up with her…wanted to sit down with you first.” She gestured to the bar, “…and here we are.”

“Here we are.”, Saffiya sighed. “I am not a medical officer, so I have to rely on what you are telling me. If you say she is ready, and suitable, then I believe you. If not, I will request someone else to come in.”

Frisco gave her CO a long look, “With the state of the selection being what it is – we won’t be moving up in the world.  Frontier Day carved a hole in us.”  She signaled for a refill, “Selera is qualified.  I’ll start the promotion conversation in the morning.”

“There is no point in rushing anyone. I have discussed the Chief Engineer position with Lieutenant Morishita, and she has declined.”

Sienna raised both her eyebrows and blurted out, “The heck?  The engineers in my academy cohort did everything short of bribery to get assigned to a Sovereign-class – their dream of making chief of a ship like this is still a pretty lofty prize.”

“It was… disappointing, yes. But I won’t force her into a position she does not want. Not everyone wants to be a leader – or more of a leader than they already are. I know from experience that, sometimes, it is great to have someone else to lean on.”, she smiled. “Or take the heat when things don’t go as planned.”

Frisco chuckled, “I don’t know about you, but I think if the heat comes for us, we’re both taking it.”  She shook her head in amusement, “I understand your why…but we need a chief engineer.  I know enough to be dangerous about this ship and its insides.  You need at least a Chief – then you can work on building up a deputy chief in the ranks.”

“Agreed.”

She tossed back the second Shirley Temple, “The once and future Chief Medical will get to figure out who their second will be – I’ll be happy to get all of my arms and hands around the XO responsibilities.”  She turned to her CO, “How’s Saffiya doing…we got lucky we didn’t lose anybody in that singularity situation.  Our minds took plenty of hits, though.”

“Saffiya is doing great.”, the Captain said, then paused. “And evidently needs another drink because she speaks about herself in the third person. Or maybe a psych consult.”

Sienna’s smile was quiet in response. There was a certain level of certainty that a CO and XO team would eventually need a psyche consult. Their shared relationship often resembled a marriage, with most of the benefits, save one.  “The truth, Saffiya.”  Frisco had taken to using her CO’s first name in the rare moments where her medical background urged her to dig in just a little further.  None of them had escaped without a slow-healing wound or two.

“I didn’t particularly love having a dead officer tell me it’s my fault she’s dead.”, Saffiya admitted. “And while I know that I did what I could, I still feel… well… it was still my crew. And that person was part of it.“ She shrugged and, indeed, ordered another drink. She’d probably need it.

The XO sighed, “My mother’s tirades about her suicide…that was enough for me.  I know we’ll never know the truth about the why…I think the singularity pulled a part of my unconscious guilt about the whole thing.”  She went back for another Shirley Temple.  Damn, she loved this drink.  “None of us were when she took her life…and that’s always stuck with each of us.  We talk about it when we get back together.  That kind of thing never leaves you,” she glanced up at her CO, “does it?”

“I think….” Saffiya said carefully. “That it‘s not supposed to leave you. I believe it’s supposed to stick with you and guide your decisions. If we don‘t feel guilty, we don‘t have a reason to improve.“

Sienna thought on her CO’s words. There was a certain truth to it.  “Perfection is impossible…or so they tell us.”

Saffiya asked, “How are you feeling about it now?“

The XO drained the glass for the last time, “I don’t think I’ll ever know why she did it.  I feel like I can work towards accepting it wasn’t my fault or my father’s…the fault lies with my mother.”  She slid the glass to the bartender shaking her head.  She was done for now.  “And you?  How are you feeling about it now?”  A quiet but kind smile was on her lips, and her words were heavy with care and concern.  She’d grown to appreciate her CO and the friendship that was beginning to form.

“It’s not my fault.”, Saffiya said with a firmness in her voice that surprised her. “But there are things I could have done better. I could have reacted faster, or not embarked on that mission in the first place. But… ” she sighed. “I will never know if that would have changed the outcome. And whether that would be for the better, or the worse.”

And that was the truth of it, wasn’t it? They all did their best, but sometimes even that wasn’t enough. It wasn’t always about personal failure—though those happened too. It was simply life.